I Have to Get This "Off My Chest"

This is the part. Ugh. My most dreaded step in this process.

This is the part that I have struggled with how to put into words. It is one of those things that makes me self-conscious and uncomfortable.

Making the decision to have a nipple and skin sparring, bi-lateral mastectomy with reconstruction at 23 years old sucks. I wish there was a better way to describe it, but there’s not. Actually, it doesn’t matter how old you are, it still sucks.

This is vulnerable guys.

It’s a topic that I have avoided throughout this entire process and it is only fair that I share it. I believe in transparency and this is included in that belief. Whether I like it or not, February 14, 2020 I will be wheeled into the operating room to shed the “girls” that did me wrong. A Valentine’s Day I will never forget. One that will change my life. My girls weren’t who they said they were. They betrayed me and only lasted 23 years in this close-knit friendship. They gotta go!

My incredible surgeons have worked with me and created a plan I feel comfortable with. I will be having a skin and nipple sparring, bi-lateral mastectomy followed by reconstruction at a later date. The reconstruction process is truly incredible with today’s medical advancements, but still, I will never feel the same. I am very in-tune with my body’s energy and this will be one that tugs at me the rest of my life. My body will be confused why it is pulling so much weight to those areas. It’ll be trying to make up for the thousands of disrupted fibers that make up my scars and scar tissue. With time, I’m hoping to heal in a way that I feel confident about and comfortable with.

Being BRCA1+ added a lot of thought process behind this decision. Having this genetic mutation gave me an 87% chance of having breast cancer to begin with, how could I even risk this again? At least for me personally, I know that this is the right decision. BRCA already has had so much control on my life and still does. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about if this sucker will creep up on me again. I am on HIGH alert and lookout. Everything I eat, everything I put on my skin, all environmental factors that I don’t even know I am being exposed to…I think about everyday. Not to mention my love for a nice glass of wine or an occasional gin and tonic. Those luxuries all cause me anxiety now. You can say whatever you want to me, but subconsciously it is something I always think about.

Yes, thinking about losing my girls is sad. It is sad that I don’t even have the option to breast feed my future children or have complete feeling of my chest; feel that hug or know when a nip slip may be occurring. These are all things that come with my new normal. Whatever that may be…

All of that aside, I feel gratitude that I am able to have this surgery. I am blessed with an amazing support system that will be there to assist me through it all. I feel confident about the decisions I have made for my body and look forward to receiving my clinical pathology report back. This will determine if I can truly say I am C***** free.

f*ck cancer.

xo

Sydney