What Do Eyebrows and Darkness Have in Common?

I’ve always really loved my eyebrows. I put in the time and effort with them. I went to see my stellar brow artist regularly. All of that time and money spent has been thrown in perspective this week. As of today, my brows are basically non-existent. Chemo really does a number on your appearance. It can pull you down into emotional lows you never thought were possible; a seemingly never-ending darkness even. I feel like a naked mole-rat. People pay big bucks to have their hair removed (me included) and now all I hope for is a couple eyebrow hairs…

Cancer whips you into humble mode.

Throughout this process I have learned to love myself. Not just in maintaining an appearance as to what I thought was accepted by society, but I have learned a new internal Sydney that I was acquaintances with, but never best friends. Safe to say we are besties now.

Truth is, in my pre-cancer life I had this tough exterior that appeared that I always kept it together, but what I really had was bottled up stress, and LOTS of it. I made life an unhealthy challenge for myself. I always added one more responsibility to my plate. (And by one more, I mean one more per week). Months before my diagnosis I had no other option but to shut down. I shut out my friends, I shut out social gatherings, I felt like I stopped caring. I had anxiety, chest pains, chronic fatigue and so on. I was so burnt out. Then I got cancer.

Since my diagnosis, my life has changed dramatically (and I’m not just talking about the hairs). I have got to meet a Sydney I never knew was inside me. I have learned to accept myself the way I naturally am. I love her through and through. I learned that my hardwork has paid off, but it was time to get healthy. Believe it or not, I'm healthier now than I was 6 months ago. Hopefully the tumor inside is on the run and no longer growing. Truly a life sucker those undefined blobs.

Being totally vulnerable here…there have been a couple of treatments where I have gone home and was 1000% positive I would not be going back to the hospital, I wanted to give up. I got into low funks that I can’t explain. I asked myself questions like “what did I do to get cancer?, “Why me?” Reminding myself that a faulty genetic mutation did this to me (BRCA 1+), it was nothing I did. That being said, you are allowed to have bad days, you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself as long as you remember the sun will shine tomorrow.

Remember that your caregivers love you so deeply and share a pain of their own going through this with you. Without them, the darkness would grow darker. Be easy on them, they too are learning how the sun will shine tomorrow. Thank you Tyler for loving my internal bestie, Sydney. Everyone deserves a love like the love you give me.

If you have a cancer diagnosis and you’re reading this, PLEASE give yourself some credit. You will kick ass just like the rest of us breasties! This is only a small inch in the miles of life ahead you. Pull yourself out of that dark funk and finish this shit. I’m cheering you on!